Messaging is where you can fail quickly. Men tend to not talk to much and women blather on. So with this in mind try to think what your potential mate might like. Not to say change who you are, but gain their attention. Like a peacock flaunt your feathers. There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. But no matter which sex you are, the opposite normally finds this sexy.
So check out the flounders below and try to think outside the box. Be original and be yourself. Again, being who that person wants isn't scoring any points because you cannot keep up a charade for very long.
Hi, Hey, Hello, Hi sexy or any variation thereof. My biggest recommendation is not to use the flirt button. Be a real person.
Be thoughtful when you message. Read the profile and try to pick out something. Ask an open-ended question. What’s that? Not yes or no / or multiple choice. Better yet ask a couple of questions. Start a conversation.
Don’t auto message/copy paste the same message or a generic message.
Hi. How was your day? My name is Bob. I like your profile. Message me back.
More than likely, you will be ignored.
Multiple messager. You send message, after message, after message, after message, after…annoyed yet. Yeah…me too. Many don’t want to lead anyone on that they aren’t interested in. I can say however, I might miss the message once. Two times and please, get the hint.
Asking for a phone number or giving us yours in the first or second message. No! I don’t walk around and just hand my number to everyone on the street or in a bar. I’ll just do the poster thing with the rip off number. :/ I’m not a lost puppy.
No to all of this within the first 5 messages: Raunchy sex talk. Asking about birth control. Sending dick pics. Asking them to be in a threesome (that was my very first message on one of the sites!). Telling them you want to lick their..um. Asking them to meet at a hotel. Meeting on Kik then sending dick pictures. Skype. Wow. there is just too much to list. There is so much negativity. And people seem to be all or nothing, quite honestly, I guess it’s good to know up front.
Fake accounts. My name is Mike. I really liked your profile. I am a doctor and make a lot of money. I am super busy and am looking for a princess. Barf…sorry I had to just bring this up again. My father always said: “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Remember what I said before about pictures. Put all the pieces together. The flawless pictures of: ripped abs, beach photos, etc. He’s a model and trainer, but works as a photographer by day….I have “encountered” a few of these now.
The ultimate question both men and women hate. Wow, you seem so great. Why are you single?
Like there must be something wrong with you. Yes, what is wrong with me is that I know what I want. And it isn't hooking up or settling.
Be positive. Talking bad about ex's or past dates, unless in a funny/ connectivity way. And think about what you are writing. You may be having a bad day, perhaps you shouldn't be on your dating site.
Example. I messaged someone asking the name of their dog...they had nothing on their profile except a couple pictures and a few interests. Their response was a single word. "Bitch". Ok, yep, blocked/deleted.
The let's make a date message and then poof they disappear before the date or solidifying the date...and this is a segue into my next post!! :)
Side notes on messaging and personal safety:
This seems obvious, but I will add this part anyway. I never post pictures of my children, or anything that has my address, license plate, etc - things that give away my location. A really tech savvy person can find you, but let’s not make it easy. People ask where I live. I tell them the city I live near. I mean, do I need to say no banking, social or other financial information. Don’t open any links. This has always been an online rule of mine.
I don’t give out my phone number as a rule. I noted it in my profile in fact. Many are quick / eager to give you theirs sometimes. Great! Look them up. I can give you a site. I work in security. LOL So how do I talk to them? Normally, I chat for at least a week or so on the site. That is the point of the site. It is a safe place to speak. Then if I feel comfortable they graduate to a variable of places.
My phone number – very rare. If I have a date with them.
I don’t email. Someone gave me their horror story with email. Yeah, I am good. But as an author anyone can Google that.
Kik: is an app. You can chat/ message and send pictures. Even add friends (oops by accident) all without giving your phone number. I don’t do this often because this app never turns off. This seems to be a dick pic place..ick.
Skype: Is a feature on your computer (and phone) that allows you to basically facetime with someone, however, you need a camera on your computer. Again this is another thing to use to verify that you are a real person. Someone basically dropped me because I wouldn’t do this. Whatever! Your loss. Also, another place people do, um, gross things.
Facebook: I have never been asked. This is another thing people use to message. This is another thing that could easily invite crazies into your life. Remember you may have your things set to private, but not everyone on your friend list does.
Again, they will see pictures of your children. You need to think about it like this. You will have pics of you not at your finest hour, drinking, etc. Think, what if they know someone. Also, men are MEN. They go through your friends list and make a decision hmm is she the cutest or is someone on her friend/family list cuter. Trust me—I am not making this up. Sad but true. I had no idea!! :/ Grass is greener and fantasy world comments I mentioned on my Facebook come to mind here.
Fill in the portion of POF that allows you to choose single items you like.
Sports, amusement parks, movies, ice cream, sunsets… The list is extensive. It helps people find each other with similar interests. I am sure many think it limits them, but it does the opposite. I read this; if there profile is too long or many just fill this out, which is fine.
The tests/quizzes – now this is one I am unsure of. I have debated deleting, but they are true, they are me. I don’t want to fill in the sex or other ones; because I don’t want to be put in this box, but I don’t think what is listed in them hurts me. Perhaps the people who have taken them don’t like the results. They maybe need to take a good hard look at themselves. I am very self aware of who I am and my faults. I am critical, but most critical of myself. I am a Virgo after all.
The questions on OK Cupid. There are sooo many, and most are geared toward men finding out very explicit details about women sexually. And honestly the answers aren’t truly a great reflection of who you are. There is an explanation box, which I use when I can. You don’t have to answer or you can answer them hidden. This feature helps you because your results are still used to match potentials without showing them exactly the answers. I have to say I really like this question feature. I have a few things that are really important to me. And you can see people say no they don’t do drugs for example, but they get tripped up in the multiple questions. For me, I have kids so I don’t judge, but there is a huge reason that I don’t and won’t allow this near me or my kids. Or another person said yes they expect oral, but think it is gross give it. That won’t work for me.
POF also has a feature where you can be hidden or allow you to view so others don’t know that you have viewed. This feature means that the men cannot see you so you have to do all the work—searching and messaging. It limits you only I think by the men that are also hidden.
OK Cupid has less features, and I find it quite limiting in many ways. They changed the favorite feature so now you have to upgrade to see who favorites you. You can say yes or no to whether or not you would date them, which I found out the hard way counts as a view to their profile. OK Cupid has a lot of angry men. I get a lot of angry texts. I stopped using that last feature. I thought it would remove them from view, it doesn’t.
A majority of people are on both sites—however I don’t see all of them. The algorithm just doesn’t match you up the same when you use the features as I mentioned. I recommend you be on both. And both have a block feature.
I mentioned these two POF and OK Cupid because the other sites tend to cost money. They can be free initially but after a time cost.
- Use the site features.
- Practice safety / don’t use your full name or give out personal information (Stranger Danger!)
- Fill out your profile. We are on the site so people can swiftly decide if you have a few items in common.
- Don’t be a douche and talk to people like human beings.
Next up first dates…